Friday, October 12, 2018

The Little Baby Rocker

On the morning that we were to transfer our two little embabies (our two embryos from our IVF cycle) we received the phone call that broke the news to us that they didn't make it. Over the past week following my egg retrieval, we had grown quite attached to those two little ones. We heard the words that "they are little warriors" and "they look great" and how the Dr. felt confident that at least one would take. We began dreaming of what it would look like to have twins. It's so hard to prepare your hearts and go into every situation with little or zero expectations.

When we received that call that neither one had made it, we both felt completely crushed. I've never been more devastated and empty in my entire life. We didn't have any other embryos to have a second shot and combined with the financial cost, emotional turmoil, and physical toll with all the drugs and injections I was required to take, we had decided that we wouldn't give IVF a second chance. Knowing that other than through a divine miracle, I would never get pregnant was a hard pill to swallow. I was mourning not only the loss of our two little babies, but also the dream of carrying a child.

Josh and I sat on our bed and wept and held each other. What do you do after hearing devastating news like that? You're just kind of numb and don't really have a clue what to do other than just sit there and cry and try to make sense of it all and God's purpose in it.

Josh, being the amazing, wonderful human being that he is, almost immediately tried to fix it. He is wired that way. It is in his DNA. He sees a problem and right away tries to find a solution. He grieved and cried with me for a bit but then switched gears and tried to lift our spirits. This is just one of the many reasons that I love him so much.

We had both taken the day off of work since we were meant to be doing our transfer that day. Josh suggested that instead of staying home and feeling sorry for ourselves, that we would get out of the house and take a drive.

We drove to Lawrenceburg that day. It is a small city about forty minutes away. On the way there we discussed our steps moving forward. We tried to make sense of why things had happened the way they had. Our biggest comfort was knowing that God is sovereign over all and His plan was going to be greater than our plan.

We had talked in the past that no matter the outcome, our next step in growing our family would be through adoption. We had talked about adoption even when we were dating and since Josh himself is adopted, it has always been very special to us. Amidst our pain, we knew what the next step in our journey would be. Even though we were grieving, adoption gave us hope and was a bright light on that very dark day.

Josh and I grabbed some food and looked through some thrift stores and markets. We happened upon this thrift store that we had never been in before and hand in hand, browsed the different booths.

We stumbled upon the most adorable antique rocker. I had never seen one quite like that and knew that with a little TLC that we could make it look like a million bucks. We purchased that precious little piece that day, knowing in our hearts that that was a smile from God and our own little rainbow.

I refinished the piece and painted the chipped, multi-colored beads while Josh replaced the broken strap with a beautiful leather one. I adore how it turned out and it is a constant reminder that God is sovereign and He is good and our baby is out there. I can't wait for the day that we can place them in it and while they play, think back to even in our darkest days that behind a frowning providence He hides a smiling face.

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